My anxious lockdown thoughts

Feeling anxious

Let’s talk about zombie apocalypses. They seemed like a far off speculation, an ongoing joke, right? Let's all take a moment to contemplate what we would personally do in a zombie apocalypse. Would you run, as if you suddenly think you’re Usain Bolt? Would you try and hide in the hope that a zombie couldn’t climb a tree? Or would you be the ‘hero’ and fight the zombies face on?

Zombie apocalypse

You may think that I have lost the plot as I’m now talking about zombies, that lockdown has really made me lose my marbles. Well, you would be partly right. However, the principle reason behind my mad talk about zombie apocalypses is due to the fact that being self-isolated and stuck in lockdown does seem to have certain connotations and similarities to the idea of a zombie apocalypse. The idea of the fear of the unknown is certainly present.

*sidenote* try saying zombie apocalypse ten times really fast. 1. Because it’s actually harder to say than you think and 2. I’d like to imagine all my readers doing this activity, as it amuses me. It only takes small things to please me.

This is going to be a bit of a long one, so get comfy, grab a hot drink and that slice of cake you’ve been thinking about all day (you know you want it) and happy reading, I hope you enjoy it!

So, this blog post does sort of link to my previous blog post which was called: ‘10 ways to keep positive during lockdown’ , please do give that a read if you haven’t already. However, I will be going into more detail about how I'm feeling during this period of lockdown and all my different anxieties which have sprouted due to this situation. I’m hoping that by voicing my concerns and how I’m feeling then this will make you feel more at ease that you aren’t alone with feeling stressed during this situation. It is also important to mention that everyone will be having different anxieties due to this situation. I am just letting you know my main ones. Additionally, by writing this blog post it helps me to acknowledge my own anxious feelings and struggles and will inevitably help me adjust my own personal concerns.

I would say that I’m predominantly an introvert. Therefore, I’m happy to enjoy my own company and I did enjoy staying at home before this pandemic took place. However, not to this extent. Pre-eminently, the overarching anxious and stressful feeling comes from not actually knowing what’s really going on and when this will all be ‘over’. Hence why I bought up the idea of a zombie apocalypse at the start as it is the fear of the unknown. None of us have any idea what to expect. The idea of what we called ‘normal’ seems already like a far off vision or memory. I decided to leave my uni house to move back home to self isolate with my family due to the outbreak. I have been in lockdown with my family since the middle of March. Which to some may not seem that long. However, the days do seem to be merging into one as each day is so similar. So, it really is beginning to feel like a long time.

One of my anxieties is about my university degree and what to expect in September when going back to do my final year of my studies. Hopefully, by September lockdown will have lifted. However, it is already evident that we will have to be practicing social distancing until we find a vaccine for this virus. The reason I’m feeling anxious about the future of my university studies is that all of my university lectures feel so personal as my course only consists of around thirty people. This is such a small amount compared to the majority of other courses. So it almost feels like being in a classroom at school and so I can only imagine that it is easier to ask questions and get the lecturers to go over certain topics. So, the idea of lectures carrying on being online, especially during my last year at university, where we have to write our dissertation, is a seriously daunting matter for me. We do have online access to the university library. However, the vast majority of the books presented on the library website are only available as physical copies at the university. Hence why this is going to be a massive issue for all of us writing our dissertation as we will not be able to access important sources if our course is going to be online. I have to remember that I am still extremely lucky to be going to university and to be getting an education in the first place. However, this issue is definitely playing on my mind.

This leads onto my next point about those whose school education has been cut short due to this global pandemic. Especially those who were going to undertake their GCSEs or A Level exams. I cannot even begin to imagine how one would feel in this situation. I’m among the majority who absolutely hates revising, I’m a very restless person as it is. So, on top of having a brain like a sieve it was never an enjoyable task. However, I would rather revise and take exams than to have them cancelled. I would definitely feel let down and deflated. Additionally,  these people predicted grades are the ones which are now going to be taken into account and sent to universities brings me stress and it’s not even directly affecting me. This being due to the fact that I would always perform better under high pressure situations, such as that as doing exams. Therefore, I would personally not be happy with my predicted grades being sent off to my chosen universities due to the fact that I did better in the real thing.

I know a lot of people who were going to take their A Levels this year and then go to university this September. Now these people have to make the important decision whether to carry on with their plans of going to university or defer their entry for a year and then possibly take their A Level exams next summer. This must be an incredibly difficult decision. Someone told me recently that people who are going into their first years at university will start in January 2021. To me this then won’t feel like the full uni experience. Firstly due to the fact they will be missing freshers week as you cannot physically social distance during freshers week, it would just not happen or work. Secondly, three months is quite a lot to miss out on, especially in your first year of university.

*I also have to give a particular mention to all parents who are now homeschooling their children. This must be an immensely stressful task. However, I am sure your children are extremely grateful for your support and help during this time, even if they don’t physically show it.*

I am inevitably anxious about the health and the safety of all my friends and family ( and obviously everyone else's too for that matter). I am currently anxious about those of us who are vulnerable, especially the elderly. I have two grandmothers who are living alone and I know that the both of them are struggling. This is why I think it is essential to keep in regular contact with friends and family to just keep checking up on them or even just so they hear a familiar voice. I know how much that would mean to both of my grandmothers. This is the best time to show you appreciation for them and to just have a catch up.

Another one of my main stresses and anxieties is the fact that England didn’t impose the lockdown early enough. I have family friends who live in New Zealand. In my opinion they have certainly adopted a way more effective approach to being safe during this pandemic. I was told that each person has to stay in their personal ‘bubbles’. You have to decide where you want to stay for the whole duration of lockdown. You aren’t allowed to move between each ‘bubble’. I think this is a very clear and practical approach and also goes to show how effective it is as their death count is considerably lower than everywhere else. 

It is such a scary thought the number of people dying due to this virus. I personally only know a handful of people who have symptoms of COVID-19. Thankfully, no one I know has passed away from it. However, I know that lots of people haven’t been so fortunate. Furthermore, this pandemic isn’t over yet (sorry to be the bearer of bad news) so I am still anxious about everyone keeping safe. This seems a good place to give thanks to all those who are working for the NHS and all key workers for the work you are all doing! We would all be struggling and even more overwhelmed without you, so, THANK YOU!

NHS

Another one of my anxious thoughts is that I really miss my friends. On a basic level I miss hugging them. The next time we are allowed to hug them I know for a fact I'm going to squeeze them all so hard. I know it’s easier nowadays to keep in touch with everyone as we have the internet. So, I have been doing regular Facetimes and Zoom calls. I have also started to get into sending voice notes to my friends. This is a brilliant way to still hear your friend's voice, especially if you’re not in the mood for a Facetime (or looking like an absolute troll due to lockdown). Me and my friends send long voice notes to each other which is actually very amusing, so I would highly recommend giving this a go. However, this is obviously not the same as seeing them face-to-face. I have already been writing a list of things I want to do with friends as soon as we’re allowed to. This is something for me to look forward to and also something to keep me occupied.

I’m going to end this blog post on a bit of a more positive note. My cat Ruby won’t catch the virus as she is an indoor cat. That probably explains why she has been looking extra smug these days.

Me and Ruby

We’ve all got to remember, and what I reiterated in my previous blog post, that this will NOT last forever. Try to keep positive everyone, everything is going to be ok. I am now going to try a couple of my strategies listed in my previous blog post to try and quell my anxious thoughts. I am also going to go and scoff a slice of cake too, you’ve got to treat yourself from time to time… lately this has been pretty much every day.

Chocolate cake